3/19/2014 RIP Matt

Some days when I look out my window overlooking the ocean it's clear and I can see the mountains in the distance very clearly. Other days there aren't any mountains in the distance and it seems like the ocean goes on infinitely. Every day I look out the same window but I never see the same view. Some days the sky is a shade of blue that even Crayola couldn't capture, and others it's filled with clouds that you could spend hours finding shapes in. Some days the ocean is calm and looks as if you could slide across it in a pair of socks like you would on a wood floor, but most days it's wavy and white capped. When the sun sets it takes away every passing thought and consumes you with the notion that must be what Heaven looks like.

 After the sun and the moon cross paths and give each other their greetings you're presented with the night. When you look up from where there was once a landscape you find yourself lost in galaxies that can only shine in the dark. You can touch the ocean, the mountains, and the natural beauty earth offers, but you can't touch the night. You can't reach out and touch the stars. And isn't it what we can have that we always want the most. I want to hold on to all the beautiful things I see. The things that make me feel a kind of peace that I can't control. I want to keep the feeling I get every time I look up at a clear starry sky, but every time I let the feeling go I lose it until it comes back to me on it's own.

 I want to keep my friendships in moments. I want to remember things like in The Butterfly Effect. I want to resurface a moment in time physically and do things differently. But isn't that what we all want? I don't want to go back and change anything drastically, but what I really wish I was capable of is going back to the moments where I had the perfect opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to me. Remind my friends that I love them; say it to their face and have it be genuine and not a casual "oh I love ya". It makes me sort of confused-angry that it's "weird" or an "uncomfortable" thing to tell someone how much they mean to you. I don't ever want to go on again wishing that I would have said something when I had the chance. I don't expect to live a life with no regrets... That's not realistic. If you don't have experiences you regret then how will you ever learn anything? But one thing I am done regretting is not telling my loved ones all the silly random things that make them important to me.

We lost a member of our UND family this week. To some he was apart of the Lakeville family. But ultimately he was apart of the Heisler family. I've known Matt since Century Middle School, but we didn't cross paths and become friends until college. Matt was many things but mainly he was a loyal friend. He could make you laugh. He was willing to make a fool of himself to make your day. He radiated good vibes and smiles. He could bring people together, and even in his death he is bringing people together and filling rooms with smiles and laughter from his memory alone. Losing Matt has been eye opening, shocking, and heartbreaking for so many people. It isn't right. You're not suppose to die when you're 21. You're just not. Death is not suppose to hit close to home. We're surrounded by it, aside from celebrity gossip, death and tragedies seem to be the only things getting recognition on the news. We see it so often that people have become disrespectful to those mourning and gawk as if they're driving by a fender bender on the highway. It isn't until you are within the mourning circle that you realize how messed up it all really is. We must learn to respect the privacy and mourning of the families and close friends of those who have lost someone.

It's not fair how it's always the kindest people who are taken from us. It doesn't seem right considering how many rotten souls there are in the world. Mitch Albom said, "Fairness, does not govern life and death, if it did, no good person would ever die young." It's something that will never be understood, and I don't think understanding would make the feeling any better any way. When we're in pain we look so quickly to place blame rather than look at what God is really trying to show us. God is showing us that we are not infinite, we take our loved ones for granted, and life isn't meant to be fair. We only get a short time on earth, but we get an eternity in heaven. In that light, it seems so childish to spend our lives letting negative emotions consume us while all of our fallen watch down shaking their heads at our behavior.

Every day as I look out the same window, and see a different view, I am reminded to cherish the small moments that may seem meaningless, because when you look back, it's the small stuff that is actually what you hold on to. And every night as I look up at the countless number of stars I am reminded how small I really am in this universe, which makes holding on to negativity seem pretty silly. We have to remember to close our eyes, clear our hearts, and let the bad stuff go. It shouldn't take losing someone to realize and remember these things. As the great Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."

RIP Matt Heisler

You will be greatly missed.
We love you.
Xo.